the hour of doom, part II

Victory is mine!

The Windows 7 upgrade went as smoothly as a greased eel on a buttered glass tabletop owned by a used car salesman with six mistresses (all of whom are unaware of the others).

And that just doesn’t happen every day.

-JM

the hour of doom

The time has come at last to take up the DVD and upgrade my desktop computer to Windows 7. What fate shall befall me? Will I enter into the glorious utopia of shiny 21st-century computing, into the soaring windows and gleaming scroll bars of Aero Glass? Or will I enter into the dismal purgatory of the Eternal Reboot Loop, never again to see either my old operating system or the new one without reformatting?

Or will the Klingons blow up my computer?

Let’s find out.

-JM

Fridays of Sword & Sorceress 24: an interview with Teresa Howard

This Friday’s interview, ladies and gentlemen, is with Teresa Howard. Read and enjoy!

Tell us about yourself.

I am an avid fan of Fantasy and Science Fiction.  I enjoy reading, writing, and attending conventions.  While many of my stories are about the magical Nellari people, I have also written modern fantasy, children’s stories, and science fiction.  By day, I am a technology coordinator and computer lab instructor at a local elementary school in Birmingham, Alabama.

How did you get into writing?

I was a story teller as a child and entertained friends by creating imaginary worlds.   I always dreamed of being a writer.  As an adult I was encouraged by a friend to pursue that dream.  I took Ann Crispin’s writers workshop at Dragon*con in Atlanta and became part of the DC2K Writer’s group.

Why write fantasy?

I write what I love to read.

What is the worst mistake a writer can make?

The worst mistake a writer can make is not to write the stories that are trying to get out.   If you wait, you may lose them.   If you wait too long the stories may stop coming.

Tell us about your Sword & Sorceress 24 story.

Nellandra’s Keeper is set in the magical Nellari Homeland.  The main character struggles with fulfilling her family’s expectations and her own destiny.

Can you share an excerpt (a paragraph or two)?

Recalling the purpose of my mission, I delivered my message. “Grandmother has been calling for you. You’re late and if you don’t hurry back, everyone’s feast meal will be cold before we’re dressed.”

I watched embarrassment color her cheeks.

“Oh! I’d forgotten the time. I’d better hurry. Thanks, Galley!” She jumped to her feet and hurried away at a graceful sprint, heedless of the tangle of bushes that I had carefully maneuvered through.

Smiling to myself, I watched her retreating figure. That’s Nellandra, brains, beauty, grace, but not a smack of magic in her bones. I ran after her, sure that she would need my assistance before long.

Pick any one book to recommend. Other than Sword & Sorceress.

Robert Jordan’s – Wheel of Time series

flu fluency hallucination

You might have noticed the lack of my usual brilliant insights and dazzling commentary here on the blog. Been sick, this last week and a half. Some unholy combination of the flu, bronchitis, and possibly the common cold. For several days I couldn’t sleep through the night, which means I remember only vague, hallucinatory snatches of last week.

Some of which may or may not have happened. Like, I’m reasonably sure that Captain Picard didn’t try to break into my apartment to steal my ibuprofen supply. At least I think he didn’t. But after waking up about twenty times in six hours, the possibility seemed real.

I did finally get a decent night’s supply after I got myself some Theraflu. I have a friend who lectured me about letting my body fight off a virus using only its natural resources, rather than resorting to artificial drugs. I told him he could bloody well live in a field and eat leaves, rather than resorting to artificial technology to feed and shelter himself. Nature, people: she’s an evil bitch goddess, and she hates each and every one of us on an individual basis.

Theraflu is the nastiest-tasting stuff, and the fact that it has cherry flavor is somehow infinitely worse. But it worked! I slept through the night, and after a decent night’s sleep, I was no longer convinced that evil subterranean lizard-people were plotting to establish a One World Order.

Living alone has lots of perks, but having someone to take care of you when you’re sick isn’t one of them, so I had to hit the drugstore if I wanted Theraflu, and more ibuprofen. Though drugstores on a Saturday night have got to be the most depressing places on the face of the earth. But at the drugstore, I saw this one guy, and I don’t want to know what kind of freakish party he was going to, because he was buying:

-condoms
-pornography
-mayonnaise
-chocolate syrup
-pepper
-Christmas lights

Dude.

Ibuprofen is great stuff, but it really plays havoc with your digestion. Without venturing into unnecessary details, it turns out that taking ibuprofen and eating cheese at about the same time isn’t the best idea. No, it is not.

I haven’t written or editing anything in a week and a half. Tried editing, but reading aloud sent me into coughing fits, so that was out.

But now, at last, I’m starting to feel better. All the symptoms are gone except for the cough, which will probably linger for a while. Since I’m out of food, I’m off to buy some victuals. And a fresh supply of shotgun shells. Because that scoundrel Captain Picard is NOT getting his hands on my ibuprofen.

-JM

Fridays of Sword & Sorceress 24: an interview with Dave Smeds

For this Friday’s interview, we have the pleasure of speaking with Dave Smeds, who has written a whole lot of stuff.

Tell us about yourself.

Mid-fifties, married, two kids. I live in the wine country of California. Former graphic artist, typesetter, and farmer. I’ve taught karate as well, and still do to a limited extent.

How did you get into writing?

I became an avid reader of fantasy with the Oz books as a kid. In my middle-school years (the late 1960s), I devoured the works of such writers as Robert E. Howard, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Edgar Rice Burroughs. I read hundreds of issues of Marvel superhero comic books. With that to get me going I ended up with a permanent affection and enthusiasm for the genre. Naturally I wanted to emulate the best of what I was encountering. But probably even more important was that some of that stuff was  crap. Moreover, it was bad enough crap that I knew it to be crap even back then, with my limited pre-pubescent ability to judge what was good and what wasn’t. (Don’t ever read Tarzan Triumphant. Don’t ever read Uncanny X-Men #41.) I dared to imagine that I could write better material than those worst-case examples, and therefore maybe get published. Don’t tell me beginning writers should only be exposed to the very best material the literary world has to offer. That’s like sending someone up Half-Dome as their virgin mountain-climbing lesson. The challenge needs to be manageable. At fifteen, I thought I might be able to complete a short story for an English class. I did. After a couple of further attempts to write what I thought the teachers wanted, I started concentrating on science fiction and fantasy, and started enjoying the process of writing fiction too much to give up the habit. After that, only two more things were needed to “get into writing,” as you put it: 1) I had to produce enough pages over several years to get me past the phase of beginner mistakes and up to a level of quality worthy of publication; 2) I had to find an editor who agreed I’d made it. My first short story was bought in 1979 by Orson Scott Card for Dragons of Light. My first novel, The Sorcery Within, was bought in 1983 on the basis of sample chapters and a one-page outline by Terri Windling for Ace Books.

Why write fantasy?

In my view, there is simply no genre with as much scope and potential as imaginary-world fantasy. I find it inappropriate and ironic that the field is dismissed so readily by the so-called “lit-crit” or “awards” crowd.  I suspect it’s that they don’t know how to stretch their imaginations, and look outside themselves.

Why write it? The decision springs not only from affection and the pleasure I take in reading fantasy, but from the desire not to be subject to the limitations of other forms of literature. Whether it is mainstream literature or science fiction or horror or contemporary fantasy, there’s a formula in place that restrains one’s creativity.  I call the formula “self-expression.” At some level, the author works from a personal place, putting down in words their own particular view of the world, revealing autobiographical parts of themselves. If the author has led an interesting life or has a way of looking at the world that’s insightful, it can be marvelously rewarding for the reader. If, on the other hand, the author gets indulgent, the result can be masturbatory drivel. Think John Lennon, who gave us examples at both ends of that spectrum. When he was on top of his game, the personal-perspective aspects of his songwriting blessed the world with the magnificence of “Imagine.” When he was navel-gazing, we got the (cough, wheeze) Yoko-Ono collaboration, Two Virgins.  I wouldn’t want my work to be limited to looking out from where I’m sitting and only commenting on the view from here. I want to be able to create entire worlds, societies, customs, abilities, situations. The potential to touch the universal human experience is high. You can directly address the huge questions, the questions bigger than any one of us, bigger than our cultures and even our planet. Even a failed attempt at least has the chance to be colorful and entertaining.

What is the worst mistake a writer can make?

I’m going to sidestep what I think you’re asking and address a kinda sorta similar question: What is the worst mistake non-writers make about writing? This is a pet peeve issue. People ask, “Where do you get your ideas?” as if it’s hard to get ideas. As Little Orphan Annie would, say, “Leapin’ Lizards!” For a writer, ideas are the easy part. If I get an anthology assignment and need to come up with a story, I can think of about seventeen ideas in the first minute. In five minutes, I’ll come up with an idea that’s worth mulling over. I’ll sleep on it, and see if it’s good enough to devote time to. I may ultimately reject that one, and the next and the next, but within a week, I’ve got an idea good enough to form into a saleable story. I would estimate the time it takes to come up with that story-worthy idea is a fraction of an hour, even though arriving at it may require four or five tiny brainstorming sessions over several days before it all gels.

Yet we’ve all heard the tale of the wannabe who “has an idea” and thinks it’s half the work of writing a book or a screenplay or a story, and they want the professional writer to do the rest for half the money. What such people don’t realize is that, at most, they’re saving the pro a few minutes of brainstorming, and that the writer still has 99.8% of the labor looming ahead. Even more likely, the idea the wannabe has come up with is so poor it would actually harm the chances of a successful final result, and actually has negative value.

So there’s your “worst mistake” scenario. Unfortunately, as I’ve experienced firsthand, Hollywood is rampant with film-development guys who imagine their idea is ample justification to put themselves at the creator-level of a movie or even a franchise, whereas the real writer’s contribution is viewed as a connect-the-dots operation of minimal significance. This is a sore subject I won’t get into further here.

Tell us about your Sword & Sorceress 24 story.

In the last few years, I have been increasing drawn to scenarios that explore characters challenged with moral dilemmas. As in, what’s the right choice, what’s the wrong one. A clear example is my Sword & Sorceress 22 novelette, “Bearing Shadows,” that explored the question of whether it was right or wrong for a man to resort to rape in order to sire the child he and his family desperately wanted and deserved. And if that rape was wrong, what amends could he make, once the deed was done? This time I wanted to explore the matter of who deserves to have great powers of sorcery. I also wanted to create a vivid sense of place. I chose a swamp as my setting. And because I haven’t seen them used much in Sword & Sorceress, I included some crocodiles. Crocs are such intriguing critters.

Can you share an excerpt (a paragraph or two)?

Excerpts are tricky. They need to be somewhat self-contained, but not reveal the plot. Here are the opening four paragraphs. I’d like people to understand this intro section is not in the prose mode of the rest of the story, which is told in current-time,  moment-to-moment narrative.  Here you are, the first bit of “The Vapors of Crocodile Fen.”

###

I was raised here in the bog. Not many can say that. Few families have chosen to tie their lives to this peat, to these sulphur mists. Would you raise your daughter where crocodiles roam? You have seen for yourself how well the creatures thrive here, where the hotsprings and honeycombed channels cure the river of its snowmelt chill. Their pervasiveness is one of the two things for which this place is famous. The other is the Tale of the Dwarf Rebels.

You have not heard that story? The Duke of the Narrows had defeated all his rivals but one, his younger half-brother, Strawhair. Having barely escaped the battle at Founders Knoll, Strawhair fled to a stilt house deep in the bog. Feverish from wounds, bereft of all but two of his fighting men, Strawhair was undone, but the duke was not satisfied. He tortured Strawhair’s vassals, learned of the hiding place, and set out with a contingent of knights to eradicate this last challenger of his claim to the fief.

The duke saw no threat in the marshdwellers. We are not dwarfs, as the legend would have you believe, but most of my folk are short and slight, the better to propel our rafts over masses of lotus and water hyacinth. The welcoming party cowered before the knights’ drawn blades. When the duke ordered a group to ferry him and his contingent to Strawhair’s refuge, they complied in all apparent meekness. But once they were deep in the swamp, they leaped into the water and rocked the vessels from below until the duke and every one of his warriors fell overboard. Burdened by their armor, the invaders sank into the muck and drowned. It was a trap of Strawhair’s design. His first victory among many. Eventually he reigned over the neighboring duchy as well, whereupon he came to be called Thrame Half-King.

Ah. You have heard that name, I see.

###

Pick any one book to recommend. Other than Sword & Sorceress.

People reading this probably already know what kind of high fantasy they like. I’ll pick something else, then. I’m partial to Ken Grimwood’s Replay. A guy keeps reliving his life from age eighteen, in 1963, to forty-three, in 1988. (The book came out in 1986.) Grimwood never wrote another novel that good, and he’s deceased now so there’s no chance he’ll match it, but that one, which won the World Fantasy Award, is well worth checking out.

Star Trek vs. Windows 7

Windows 7 comes out today. My experiences with it so far have been pretty positive. But, I wonder, what would happen if the valiant crew of the Enterprise had to install Windows 7…

(We see the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, cruising majestically through OUTER SPACE.)

Kirk: Captain’s log, stardate 4567.8. Per Starfleet orders, we are preparing to install the new “Windows 7” operating system on the main computer.

(On the BRIDGE, the CREW prepares to install WINDOWS 7.)

Scotty: Captain, all systems are green. We’re ready to install the upgrade, sir.

Kirk: Very good. Mr. Scott, Mr. Spock, begin at once.

(SPOCK produces a WINDOWS 7 DVD and tries to open it.)

Kirk: Spock? Is there a problem?

Spock: There may be an…unanticipated difficulty, Captain. The DVD case appears encased in some sort of invincible plastic bubble. Even with superior Vulcan strength, I am unable to inflict any damage upon it.

Scotty: Ach, sir! Let me have a try at it!

(SCOTTY attacks the DVD PACKAGING with a STEAK KNIFE.)

Scotty: Sir! I cannae do any damage to the DVD package! Tis some unearthly hellspawned plastic!

Kirk: Oh, for God’s sake!

(KIRK draws his PHASER and shoots the WINDOWS 7 DVD.)

Kirk: See? There. The case is open.

Spock: As ever, your logic astonishes me, Captain. However, I must point out that the DVD was melted with the case, and is now useless.

Kirk: Oh. I see. Well, we’ll just order it online. Download a copy from the Microsoft website.

(Fourteen hours pass.)

Spock: Captain, I am pleased to report that we can now begin upgrading.

Kirk: Finally! Get on with it, Mr. Spock.

Spock: There may be…another difficulty, Captain.

Kirk: What now?

Spock: We’ll have to upgrade our system RAM. Windows 7 requires 1 gigabyte of RAM. Currently, our main computer has only 512 kilobytes of RAM.

Kirk: 512 kilobytes? Dear God! Why do we only have 512 kilobytes of RAM?

Spock: Our show was produced in the 1960s, Captain. Back then 512 kilobytes of RAM seemed like an enormous amount.

Kirk: Very well, order more RAM. Also, you did make sure to get backups for all our important data?

Spock: I believe so, Captain.

Kirk: Make sure you get my entire iTunes library. I spent a lot of time putting together my “Jim’s Hot Seduction Mix Playlist”, understand?

Spock: Ah…yes, Captain.

Kirk: Do you know how many times I’ve used that playlist to get some green-skinned alien babe in the sack?

Spock: The metadata indicates that the playlist has been accessed 367 times.

Kirk: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Spock: (lifts eyebrow)

(Another eighteen hours pass.)

Scotty: And…I think we’re there, sir. All applications have been reinstalled, and all data has been restored.

Spock: The main computer is coming back up now…I believe we are now successfully running Windows 7, Captain.

Kirk: It’s about time. Maybe we can finally…

Sulu: Captain! Sensors are detecting a Klingon warship decloaking!

Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phaser banks and load all torpedo bays!

(The ominous sight of a KLINGON WARSHIP fills the viewscreen.)

Sulu: Phasers locked, sir.

Kirk: Fire!

(Nothing happens.)

Kirk: What the hell? Why aren’t we firing?

Sulu: I…I don’t know, sir! I can’t see the phaser status on my terminal!

(Suddenly the message “Windows Has Detected A New Device” appear on the viewscreen.)

Spock: Fascinating. It appears that the drivers for our phaser banks were not properly installed.

(The message “Windows Cannot Find The Drivers For Your Device. Do You Want Windows To Search Online For Drivers For Your Device?” appears on the screen.)

Kirk: Yes! Yes! Spock, have it get the damn drivers!

Spock: Authorizing now, sir.

(The ENTERPRISE shudders as the KLINGON WARSHIP opens fire.)

Kirk: C’mon…c’mon…

(The message “Windows Was Unable To Find The Drivers For Your Device” appears on the viewscreen.)

Kirk: What the hell?

Spock: I would deduce, Captain, that our phaser manufacturer has not yet updated their drivers for Windows 7.

Kirk: Son of a…

(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)

-JM

perhaps the very worst thing you can do to anyone…

…is to simply tell the truth.

They just don’t make computer games like this any more.

-JM

days of thunder

An exciting couple of days are coming up, folks.

-Tomorrow, Windows 7 comes out. It’s already sold more pre-release orders than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and the Nintendo Wii, and more preorders than Windows XP and Windows Vista combined. I don’t think people have been this excited about a Windows release since Windows 95. And that was a while ago, friends & neighbors.

-On Monday, Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Night Castle comes out. Speaking of Vista, this CD has been delayed more times than Vista. Hopefully it is worth the wait.

-A week from tomorrow, Ubuntu 9.10 comes out. Most of my website traffic comes from people doing Ubuntu searches, so I’m definitely looking forward to this one.

-JM

superstitions

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to do something grievously out of character, and write semi-seriously for a moment.

See, all educated and intellectual people know that the years 500 AD through 1500 AD were The Dark Ages. The glorious pinnacles of Greek and Roman science came crashing down, burdened beneath ignorance and superstition. Scientific advancement shuddered to a grinding halt, as people forsook medical knowledge in exchange for pilgrimages to the yellowed bones of long-dead saints. Inquisitors prowled in every corner, preparing bonfires and witch trials for those souls brave enough to seek out scientific truth. The Pope’s iron-fisted theocracy stifled freedom and innovation everywhere. Indeed, the Church even declared that women had no souls! Western Civilization groaned under at thousand years of barbarous ignorance, until at last the Age of Reason dawned, and courageous men like Galileo dared to challenge The Infamous Thing, and at last we come to our modern scientific era, when mankind can enjoy the fruits of science in the form of canned soup, reality TV, and bountiful Internet porn.

The only problem with this view, of course, is that is both incorrect and utterly unsupported by the facts. It is WRONG. Stupendously wrong. It is, in fact, this wrong. And it never fails to annoy me when I encounter it. Equally, I am always delighted to find something tearing down that view.

SF writer Mike Flynn has a great post eviscerating some of the more common misconceptions about the Middle Ages.

-JM

Jonathan Moeller vs Your Computer: Epic Fantasy Style

I spent much of my week peeling viruses off various infected computers. What is that like? Well, the only way to properly describe this, of course, is in Epic Fantasy Style!

###

The Tale of the Technomancer

I sat alone in my Tower of Contemplation, studying many a quaint and curious PDF file of forgotten lore, when behold! A woman burst into my chamber, her face marked with sore distress, her eyes flashing with rage and fury. In her hand she bore a laptop of cunning design, adorned with the sigils of WINDOWS VISTA and DELL.

“Name thyself,” I spake, “and name also thy reasons for intruding upon my meditations.”

“Alas, my name is only Woe, for I am in need most desperate and dire,” she spake. “For my computer has turned against me, and all my pictures are lost, and my documents confounded, and, indeed, I have even been banished from the wide realm of the Internet. And iTunes will not come at my command! Sore is my distress, and thus I have come seeking your aid. For I have heard that you are versed in the secret lore of computers, and know the Words of the Command Line, and the true names of the Five Hidden Registry Keys than govern Windows Vista.”

“Indeed, you have heard correctly,” I spake. “Now describe your woes.”

“Yesterday, I visited the fair realm of Facebook,” she spake, “for I wished to upload pictures of my vacation, and to turn my gaze upon the pictures of my sister’s new baby Dakota. Also, I wanted to view fresh LOLcats, for their winsome humor doth ever lighten my heart. Yet Facebook did present me with a warning most dire, that I would lose my access unless I did not immediately install an update. With all haste, I installed the update, only to face disaster. For my computer warns me unceasingly that it has been infected by a foul virus, my connection to the Internet has been lost, and my data has vanished.”

“You have been deceived,” I spake. “For the update was not a true update, but a Trojan virus, and now your computer has been possessed by a virus most foul.”

“Alas! This sucks!” she spake. “Is there no hope?”

“There may be,” I spake. “Present your computer to me, and I shall unleash my most potent arts upon it.”

And, hearken! For I took up my USB Key of Fourfold Gigabytes, which holds many programs both useful and cunningly wrought, and I plugged it into her computer, which muttered as a man possessed by many cruel demons, and I summoned up Malwarebytes Anti-Malware, a program both fell and puissant.

And yet my efforts were confounded, for the foul virus-demon infesting her computer did know the secret true name of Malwarebytes Anti-Malware, and blocked the installation.

“Alas!” spake the woman. “Your efforts come to naught! I should have gotten a Mac!”

“Speak not such foul blasphemy in my presence!” I thundered. “And my arts are not yet exhausted.”

For though the virus-demon was both guileful and well-hidden, I had done battle with its vile brethren before, and knew well their arts of deceptions, so I bestowed upon Malwarebytes Anti-Malware a secret name. And the virus-demon’s sight could not penetrate this disguise, and Malwarebytes Anti-Malware installed upon her computer. Then I rebooted her computer, and pressed the secret keys to enter unto Windows Safe Mode, thereby bypassing the virus-demon’s most potent defenses. And I updated MBAM unto its full glory, and unleashed its full power upon the computer, and the hard drive resounded with the thunder of our battle. And soon I had laid the virus-demon’s defenses bare, and had it at bay.

“Name thyself!” I commanded.

The virus-demon spoke in a voice smooth as honey and deep as thunder. “I am WinAntiVirus 2009, a humble defender of this computer. For I shall keep this computer forever free of viruses and worms, in exchange for your credit card number.”

“Burden not my ears with thy shopworn lies!” I spake. “For I see your true nature. You speak lies of false infections, and take money in exchange for protection, and offer nothing in return.”

The virus-demon laughed with scorn. “If fools believe in me, what fault is that of mine? Strike me down if you will, technomancer. But a thousand more shall take my place!”

“Perhaps,” I spake. “But you will not be here to see it.”

“Wait!” spake the virus-demon. “Wait! This computer has 459 serious infections! Purchase WinAntiVirus 2009 Premium to remove…”

“Begone!” I spake, and smote the Remove button. And the virus-demon shrieked, for its Registry Keys were unlocked, and its DLLs deleted, and it was cast forevermore into the Outer Darkness beyond the Recycle Bin, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and LOLcats and free eCards from a friend.

I took a weary breath. “Take thy computer and go, woman, for it is now free of the virus-demon.”

She took up her laptop once. “As long as I’m here, I have a question about my printer…”

“No. It is our policy not look at personal printers. Especially inkjets. Also, be sure to clean your computer,” I spake, “for thy keyboard, it was disgusting.”

And thus WinAntiVirus 2009 was defeated…for today.

-JM