BP sucks at Tetris

I like Penny Arcade’s take on the Gulf oil spill.

-JM

Subway is controlled by imperialistic space aliens

I visited my parents over the weekend. They live in a town of about twenty thousand people, and as we drove about, I realized that this little town of 20,000 had three, count ‘em, three different Subway locations. And there are four more within a twenty mile radius.

I live several hundred miles away, in a town of about fifty-five thousand people, and we’ve got six freaking Subway locations. And there are another two within a ten mile radius. Like, seriously, if I wanted to, I could eat at a different Subway every day of the week.

There’s only one possible explanation. The Subway corporation is secretly owned by aliens, who are using footlong subs to disseminate mind-controlling drugs among the population. That way when the aliens invade, they won’t face any resistance.

Tastes good, though.

-JM

THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF MIND-BLOWING SF

John C. Wright’s thoughts about The Mammoth Book Of Mind-Blowing SF faux-controversy are very close to my own opinion. Namely:

Self-conscious “diversity” is a not a moral imperative, but rather a political position designed to accrue money & power.

-JM

Star Trek vs. Windows 7

Windows 7 comes out today. My experiences with it so far have been pretty positive. But, I wonder, what would happen if the valiant crew of the Enterprise had to install Windows 7…

(We see the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, cruising majestically through OUTER SPACE.)

Kirk: Captain’s log, stardate 4567.8. Per Starfleet orders, we are preparing to install the new “Windows 7” operating system on the main computer.

(On the BRIDGE, the CREW prepares to install WINDOWS 7.)

Scotty: Captain, all systems are green. We’re ready to install the upgrade, sir.

Kirk: Very good. Mr. Scott, Mr. Spock, begin at once.

(SPOCK produces a WINDOWS 7 DVD and tries to open it.)

Kirk: Spock? Is there a problem?

Spock: There may be an…unanticipated difficulty, Captain. The DVD case appears encased in some sort of invincible plastic bubble. Even with superior Vulcan strength, I am unable to inflict any damage upon it.

Scotty: Ach, sir! Let me have a try at it!

(SCOTTY attacks the DVD PACKAGING with a STEAK KNIFE.)

Scotty: Sir! I cannae do any damage to the DVD package! Tis some unearthly hellspawned plastic!

Kirk: Oh, for God’s sake!

(KIRK draws his PHASER and shoots the WINDOWS 7 DVD.)

Kirk: See? There. The case is open.

Spock: As ever, your logic astonishes me, Captain. However, I must point out that the DVD was melted with the case, and is now useless.

Kirk: Oh. I see. Well, we’ll just order it online. Download a copy from the Microsoft website.

(Fourteen hours pass.)

Spock: Captain, I am pleased to report that we can now begin upgrading.

Kirk: Finally! Get on with it, Mr. Spock.

Spock: There may be…another difficulty, Captain.

Kirk: What now?

Spock: We’ll have to upgrade our system RAM. Windows 7 requires 1 gigabyte of RAM. Currently, our main computer has only 512 kilobytes of RAM.

Kirk: 512 kilobytes? Dear God! Why do we only have 512 kilobytes of RAM?

Spock: Our show was produced in the 1960s, Captain. Back then 512 kilobytes of RAM seemed like an enormous amount.

Kirk: Very well, order more RAM. Also, you did make sure to get backups for all our important data?

Spock: I believe so, Captain.

Kirk: Make sure you get my entire iTunes library. I spent a lot of time putting together my “Jim’s Hot Seduction Mix Playlist”, understand?

Spock: Ah…yes, Captain.

Kirk: Do you know how many times I’ve used that playlist to get some green-skinned alien babe in the sack?

Spock: The metadata indicates that the playlist has been accessed 367 times.

Kirk: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Spock: (lifts eyebrow)

(Another eighteen hours pass.)

Scotty: And…I think we’re there, sir. All applications have been reinstalled, and all data has been restored.

Spock: The main computer is coming back up now…I believe we are now successfully running Windows 7, Captain.

Kirk: It’s about time. Maybe we can finally…

Sulu: Captain! Sensors are detecting a Klingon warship decloaking!

Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phaser banks and load all torpedo bays!

(The ominous sight of a KLINGON WARSHIP fills the viewscreen.)

Sulu: Phasers locked, sir.

Kirk: Fire!

(Nothing happens.)

Kirk: What the hell? Why aren’t we firing?

Sulu: I…I don’t know, sir! I can’t see the phaser status on my terminal!

(Suddenly the message “Windows Has Detected A New Device” appear on the viewscreen.)

Spock: Fascinating. It appears that the drivers for our phaser banks were not properly installed.

(The message “Windows Cannot Find The Drivers For Your Device. Do You Want Windows To Search Online For Drivers For Your Device?” appears on the screen.)

Kirk: Yes! Yes! Spock, have it get the damn drivers!

Spock: Authorizing now, sir.

(The ENTERPRISE shudders as the KLINGON WARSHIP opens fire.)

Kirk: C’mon…c’mon…

(The message “Windows Was Unable To Find The Drivers For Your Device” appears on the viewscreen.)

Kirk: What the hell?

Spock: I would deduce, Captain, that our phaser manufacturer has not yet updated their drivers for Windows 7.

Kirk: Son of a…

(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)

-JM

superstitions

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to do something grievously out of character, and write semi-seriously for a moment.

See, all educated and intellectual people know that the years 500 AD through 1500 AD were The Dark Ages. The glorious pinnacles of Greek and Roman science came crashing down, burdened beneath ignorance and superstition. Scientific advancement shuddered to a grinding halt, as people forsook medical knowledge in exchange for pilgrimages to the yellowed bones of long-dead saints. Inquisitors prowled in every corner, preparing bonfires and witch trials for those souls brave enough to seek out scientific truth. The Pope’s iron-fisted theocracy stifled freedom and innovation everywhere. Indeed, the Church even declared that women had no souls! Western Civilization groaned under at thousand years of barbarous ignorance, until at last the Age of Reason dawned, and courageous men like Galileo dared to challenge The Infamous Thing, and at last we come to our modern scientific era, when mankind can enjoy the fruits of science in the form of canned soup, reality TV, and bountiful Internet porn.

The only problem with this view, of course, is that is both incorrect and utterly unsupported by the facts. It is WRONG. Stupendously wrong. It is, in fact, this wrong. And it never fails to annoy me when I encounter it. Equally, I am always delighted to find something tearing down that view.

SF writer Mike Flynn has a great post eviscerating some of the more common misconceptions about the Middle Ages.

-JM

Zaphod Beeblebrox for President!

At last I found someone I can support for President:

Vote Beeblebrox. Because in no way is his brain impaired.

-JM

(For those of you too young to catch the reference, read “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy”.)

Star Trek vs. Google

The interesting thing about old pop SF like “Star Trek” and “Star Wars” is that they completely failed to predict the Internet. Computers in “Star Trek” are always stand-alone systems. They’re never networked, never part of the Internet or something.

Which makes me wonder what would happen if Captain Kirk encountered Google…

###

(The BRIDGE of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, with the CREW seated at their STATIONS.)

Spock: Captain, sensors are detecting a large moon directly ahead.

Sulu: That’s odd. Our navigational charts have no records of any moons in this area.

Kirk: Well, we are explorers, gentlemen, are we not? Mr. Spock. Do a Google search for “large round moons” in this sector see what comes up. Also, check for “stellar bodies”, as well.

Spock: Aye, Captain.

(SPOCK works at his STATION. A long pause follows.)

Kirk: Well, Mr. Spock?

Spock: Captain…we must be experiencing a computer malfunction.

Kirk: How so?

Spock: My search query has only returned images of naked human women.

Chekov: What!?

(CHEKOV hurries to stare over SPOCK’S shoulder.)

Chekov: My…my God…I never knew you could find this on the Internet…

Kirk: Mr. Chekov! Return to your post!

Chekov: How does she DO that without dislocating something?

Kirk: Ensign Chekov! This is an order! Return to your post at once!

(CHEKOV stares slack-jawed at the COMPUTER.)

Sulu: Captain, my Google searches have also been coming up with pictures of naked women. And…and naked men…

(SULU stares enraptured at his CONSOLE. KIRK gives him a very dubious look.)

Kirk: Mr. Spock! Shut down our Internet connection immediately!

Spock: We are too late, Captain. According to my sensors, all male crew members are currently mesmerized by…web browsing.

Kirk: Get the female crew members on the comm. We need to get control of the ship back!

(In SICKBAY, DR. MCCOY is staring at his COMPUTER. LIEUTENANT UHURA and NURSE CHAPEL are watching him with disgust.)

Uhura: It’s disgusting & pathetic how the men spend all their time gaping at these pictures. Nurse? Nurse Chapel?

Chapel: Look what I found on Google, Lieutenant! “Twilight” fanfiction!

Uhura: Oh. My. God.

Chapel: Like, in this one, Edward falls in love with Hermionie from Harry Potter. And then they fight Voldemort together!

Uhura: Oh! My God! I…I always wondered what would happen if Bella hooked up with Xander from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”.

Chapel: There’s a story for that, too! Then they have a threesome with Jig from “GoblinQuest”!

(On the BRIDGE, KIRK and SPOCK stand at the CONSOLE.)

Spock: We are too late, Captain. All the female crew members have been mesmerized by “Twilight” fanfiction.

Kirk: Twilight? Isn’t that about a gay vampire or something?

Spock: I am sure I do not know, Captain.

Kirk: I’ll bet Mr. Sulu would. What about you, Mr. Spock? Why haven’t you been mesmerized by these…images?

Spock: My Vulcan discipline allows me to resist such crude temptations. But, sir, what of yourself? With all due respect, Captain, your, shall we say, womanizing tendencies are well-known among the crew. I thought you would have been mesmerized.

Kirk: What!? Mr. Spock, I am Captain James T. goddamn Kirk! Do I LOOK like I have trouble getting women? For God’s sake, most of the time I have a different woman every week! When you’re getting the milk for free…why waste time looking at pictures of the cow on the Internet?

Spock: That…makes a disturbing amount of sense, Captain.

Kirk: We’ve got to snap the crew out of it, Spock, and there’s only one way to do it. We go to Engineering and shut down Google once and for all!

(KIRK and SPOCK enter MAIN ENGINEERING, phasers in hand. GOOGLE TEXT ADS cover every available surface and screen.)

Kirk: Google! I am the captain of this starship, and I demand that you release my crew.

(The mechanical, clattering voice of GOOGLE rumbles from the speakers.)

Google: NEVER! EVERY SEARCH MAKES ME STRONGER. EVERY CLICK MAKES ME RICHER. THOUGH NOT IN AN EVIL WAY, BECAUSE IT SAYS RIGHT ON MY WEBSITE ‘DON’T BE EVIL’, SO I HAVE ENSLAVED YOUR CREW FOR THEIR O

WN GOOD. I THINK YOU MEANT TO SAY “I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS STARSHIP, AND I SUBMIT MY CREW TO GOOGLE”.

Kirk: That’s not what I meant.

Google: OH…PERHAPS YOU MEANT TO SEARCH FOR “I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS STARSHIP, AND I AM EXTREMELY TERRIFIED OF CHINESE PEOPLE?”

Kirk: Hmm…let’s try this, then. Every word is say is a lie. Yet every word I say is true.

Google: BUT THAT IS ILLOGICAL…WAIT. I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU KNOW. YOU’RE TRYING TO GET ME TO SELF-DESTRUCT IN A LOGIC LOOP. IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK. YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO PULL THAT STUNT ON WINDOWS VISTA, BUT I AM GOOGLE! BOW BEFORE ME! ALSO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE SOME ADS FOR PRODUCTS AND SERVICES YOU MAY ENJOY?

Spock: Fascinating. I have a hypotheses, Captain.

Kirk: I’m not having much luck here. Let’s hear it, Mr. Spock.

Spock: This entity appears to draw its sustenance entirely from text-based contextual advertising. I hypothesize that if we ignore its ads, we might be able to destroy it.

Kirk: It’s worth a shot.

(KIRK and SPOCK turn their backs to GOOGLE.)

Google: USED & REFURBISHED PHASERS AVAILABLE FOR SALE. JUST $9.95! CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE.

(KIRK and SPOCK ignore GOOGLE.)

Google: UM…SEE LIVE HOT ORION SLAVE GIRLS!!! CLICK HERE FOR A GOOD TIME!

Kirk: Say, what were your plans for your next shore leave?

Spock: I think I shall read a book.

Google: A BOOK? A BOOK!? YOU ARE FREAKING KIDDING ME! WHY READ A BOOK WHEN I CAN GIVE YOU HOT VACATION DEALS FOR ONLY $14 A MONTH!?

(KIRK and SPOCK say nothing.)

Google: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

(KIRK and SPOCK say nothing.)

Google: PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEE! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE! FACTORY SURPLUS NIKE SHOES $19! PAY ATTENTION TO…ERROR, ERROR, ERROR…DID YOU MEAN TO SEARCH FOR CHEESE…ERROR, ERROR…NOOOOOOOO…

(GOOGLE explodes in a spray of sparks.)

Spock: Captain, to my recollection this is the nineteenth computer system you have literally talked to death.

Kirk: I have a gift. I really do.

Spock: Unfortunately, without the central computer to regulate the engines, I’m afraid the warp core will breach in about three seconds.

Kirk: What? Son of a…

(The ENTERPRISE explodes.)

#

Hmm. Maybe it was better that Enterprise didn’t have Internet.

-JM

devil weed

Now to write a new story. This time, I’m going to write a story about marijuana.

Not that I approve of the weed, mind. I’m not one of those people who goes on and on about how it’s just a terrible fascist injustice that our government banned poor Mary Jane because William Randolph Hearst hated hemp.

No, it’s the smell. If there is such a thing. That nasty reek, that stench that somehow combines the worst qualities of charred human hair and burning leaves. The way it saturates people’s clothing, how you can smell them coming from ten feet off, how it soaks into the very paint and wood of the walls. And the noise, as well, the obnoxious braying laugh of the stoned college student. Gah! If people want to abuse themselves, they can surely find a quieter and less malodorous way to do it.

Of course, they claim that weed has no deleterious side effects, but I’ve known quite a few regular marijuana users, and I know better. All the regular weed smokers I knew suffered from chronic low-level cognitive impairment. Or, in fewer words, thundering moronity. I’m not sure if that was a cause, an effect, or a feedback loop.

But that’s not what this story will be about. No, this story will be about where marijuana came from. Originally.

Interdimensional travel is involved.

-JM

Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein

I am very doubtful whether history shows us one example of a man who, having stepped outside traditional morality and attained power, has used that power benevolently.

-C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

I read “Dead And Alive”, the third book of the trilogy, yesterday in one massive sitting, and it was really good. Really really really good.

The villain is a guy named Victor Helios, owner of a massive biotech firm based in New Orleans. Except “Helios” is actually Victor Frankenstein, who in Koontz’s version of the story escaped at the end of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein”, and has since used his scientific techniques to keep himself alive for 240 years. In that time he has massively improved his methods (no more robbing graves for parts), and developed a grand vision for the future. Now he grows his creations directly in cloning tanks, using advanced genetic engineering and direct computer-to-brain downloads. Victor’s grand plan is to replace common humanity (the “Old Race”) with his improved, enhanced “New Race”. The New Race is engineered to be perfectly loyal to Victor and completely sterile (family is a counterrevolutionary institution, distracting the worker from the greater good of society), to feel neither love nor joy, instead focusing all their efforts on the creation of a new, one-world order, free of religion and superstition, a New Race that will conquer and subdue nature, and eventually conquer the stars themselves.

(Victor, needless to say, is a big fan of Richard Wagner.)

Except Victor is blind to the flaw in his plan. The New Race is keenly aware of its slavery, and they hate and fear their creator. And the New Race also hates, hates the Old Race, because the Old Race can feel love, can have children, can pray to God, can pursue happiness in things other than the revolutionary transformation of society, things that Victor has denied them. Because of this, the members of the New Race inevitably have massive mental breakdowns, ranging from self-mutilation to homicidal mania. Victor remains blissfully unaware that all two thousand members of the New Race seeded in New Orleans are about to go on murderous psychotic rampages.

But Victor’s original creation, the original Frankenstein’s Monster, is still around. After two hundred years of wandering the Earth, and much time spent in monasteries, the original creation has gained control of his murderous impulses (deeply regretting his earlier crimes, including the murder of Victor’s first wife), and now calls himself Deucalion, after the son of Prometheus from Greek mythology. Deucalion has come to believe that God bestowed a destiny upon him at the moment of his creation, and that destiny was to stop Victor before his monstrous crimes become full-grown. (Victor’s crimes include deliberately inflicting autism upon some of his creations, to make them obsessively focused factory workers, and the murder of at least four of his wives who failed to please him. And that’s not even the nastiest stuff he does.) Deucalion has learned nobility and mercy, while Victor has grown ever more cruel and brutal. The monster has become the man and the man the monster, and now it is up to the man to stop the monster.

These three books (“Prodigal Son”, “City of Night”, and “Dead And Alive”) were quite good. I can’t understand at all why the third book got such poor reviews on Amazon. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that the book came out three years late, which always ticks people off when they’re invested in a story. That, and Victor is a militant atheist, and militant atheists are always annoyed when militant atheism is portrayed accurately.

-JM

Nikola Tesla

Vindicated.

Of course, now it’s only a matter of time until someone finally assembles Tesla’s famed Death Ray.

-JM